Dear Mike,
I heard that the retail distribution channels for My Pillow dried up after you were seen at the White House carrying notes about martial law and the Insurrection Act. While I fully support the reaction of national retailers to this news, I worry that My Pillow employees may now face an uncertain future. It is on their behalf that I offer the following advice: Diversify into a market in which demand is inelastic, apolitical, and universal. The adult products market fits the bill.
In other words, Mike, I think you should let The My Pillow Guy persona fade into the background and rehab your ailing reputation by becoming better known as The My Dildo Guy!
This is the perfect solution for you for lots of reasons, a few of which I’ll outline here. For starters, there’s no need to retool your factories. You can be the first on the market with memory foam dildos. The jobs of all those employees can be saved.
Another advantage is that, rather than recoil from your political views, this market will embrace them or at least, in the spirit of “you do you,” tolerate them. Kink shaming is the only real taboo in adult products these days. After all, fascism is just BDSM at scale, right?
Which means this is totally on-brand for you! You could, for example, sell a dildo carved from a large potato and call it “The Dick Tater”. Offer an optional set of wrist and ankle restraints so customers can invoke marital law. Perhaps “The Insurrectionist” model would be a G-Spot dildo shaped like a hockey stick that will make customers, in the words of Donald Trump, “remember this day forever”. See? The possibilities are endless.
Consider all of the celebrity endorsement opportunities. Imagine The My Dildo Guy on TV pitching “The Desantis” which is a dildo shaped like the state of Florida. The convenient molded grips in the “manhandle” help maintain a firm hold during contentious closed door backroom negotiations. Or is that closed room backdoor negotiations? Anyway, with no mask requirement it’s sure to go viral!
“The Hawley” would be a model made from the life casting of a certain Senator’s raised fist and sporting ad copy inviting customers to “incite an orgy in your party.” (You might also want to offer a tiny beginner’s model, perhaps cast from Trump’s fist.)
The flagship product in the line would be a model called “The Republican Guard.” It’s a strap-on sheath for that large swath of your target market whose erection was stolen from them. Regular size would be available bent over the counter, or customers can get the full strength model by prescription from a My Dildo affiliated spin doctor.
The My Dildo Guy is the perfect rehab for your tarnished reputation, Mike. I know this will work because I told several friends about this idea and already all of them are calling you The My Dildo Guy. Not just a few, mind you, 100% of them. I shit you not, it’s unanimous. Every single person I told about this now calls you The My Dildo Guy. That’s powerful. It’s indelible. For me and many others you will forever on be known as The My Dildo Guy.
Mike, I’m so confident that you will embrace The My Dildo Guy as the next chapter in your career that I’m telling the whole world to go ahead and start calling you The My Dildo Guy beginning today. Based on experience so far, almost everyone who reads this will start referring to you as The My Dildo Guy and it’s possible you will effectively be The My Dildo Guy even before you get the new branding online. With any luck, #TheMyDildoGuy will already be trending worldwide by then and your transition will be seamless.
You’re welcome. Glad I could help.
